


too late the balls already rollin in the big ulterior motive rube goldberg machine its cruisin its way down a slight incline theres no stoppin it any minute its gonna gently nudge a lever or some shit

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:52:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24253135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: It's Karkat's wriggling day.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 23
Kudos: 190





	too late the balls already rollin in the big ulterior motive rube goldberg machine its cruisin its way down a slight incline theres no stoppin it any minute its gonna gently nudge a lever or some shit

DAVE: hey man  
DAVE: cmere  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: <3  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?  
DAVE: what do i need a reason  
KARKAT: NO, I GUESS NOT.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU SO CLEARLY HAVE ONE.  
KARKAT: YOU’VE GOT THAT STUPID KNOWING SMIRK.  
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE YOU STOLE ROSE’S LIPSTICK AND SCRAWLED “DAVE HAS AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE” ACROSS YOU FACE.  
DAVE: hahaha ok thats perfect next time im totally doing that  
DAVE: unfortunately its too late for this round the balls already rollin in the big ulterior motive rube goldberg machine  
DAVE: its cruisin its way down a slight incline theres no stoppin it now any minute its gonna gently nudge a lever or some shit its outta my hands  
KARKAT: UH HUH.  
KARKAT: AND WHAT’S AT THE END OF THIS RUBE GRUBBERG MACHINE?  
DAVE: oh my GOD thats what you call it how has that never come up yet thats amazing  
KARKAT: YES THAT’S WHAT WE CALL IT, BUT WHO CARES?  
KARKAT: I AM GETTING SO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT WHATEVER SHIT YOU’VE CLEARLY GOT UP YOUR VELVETY SOFT SLEEVE.  
KARKAT: WITH EVERY MINUTE THAT PASSES MY MENTAL IMAGE OF IT GAINS ANOTHER FUCKING RAP VERSE!  
KARKAT: SO CAN YOU PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON ALREADY??  
DAVE: hahaha well youre not wrong dude thats not at all off the map  
DAVE: but thats for later  
KARKAT: ??  
DAVE: i guess the first order of business is pretty obvious  
DAVE: <3  
DAVE: happy wiggling day man  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: OKAY FIRST OF ALL  
KARKAT: IT’S FUCKING *WRIGGLING* DAY.  
DAVE: ahaha  
KARKAT: SO HELP ME DAVE YOU GODDAMN *KNOW* IT’S WRIGGLING!  
KARKAT: I’VE HEARD YOU SAY IT BEFORE!  
DAVE: slander  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING *ARE* A WIGGLER.  
KARKAT: AND YOU *HAVE* A WRIGGLING DAY.  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT THAT HARD!  
DAVE: eh i donno i think im gonna just use em interchangeably whos even gonna notice  
KARKAT: *I’M* GONNA FUCKING NOTICE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: AND SO IS FUCKING ANYONE ELSE YOU INFLICT IT UPON!  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: seriously  
DAVE: literally no one else is  
KARKAT: AUUUGHH!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK EVER.  
KARKAT: NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS.  
DAVE: awesome  
DAVE: why  
KARKAT: BECAUSE TODAY ISN’T MY FUCKING WRIGGLING DAY, THAT’S WHY!  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: yes it is  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: IT’S DEFINITELY NOT.  
DAVE: whats going on what are you tryna pull on me here  
DAVE: this is so insane dude  
KARKAT: HOW IS THIS INSANE??  
DAVE: you started the game on your wriggling day right  
KARKAT: OH WOW NOW YOU CAN SAY IT RIGHT.  
DAVE: naw im just goin back and forth im gonna switch off every time  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: just watch me  
KARKAT: WHATEVER  
KARKAT: YEAH  
KARKAT: WE STARTED ON MY *WRIGGLING* DAY.  
KARKAT: THEN WE WERE IN THE GAME FOR 25 DAYS.  
KARKAT: THEN YOUR MERRY LITTLE BAND OF DIPSHITS PILED ON.  
DAVE: aww  
KARKAT: SO THAT’S ALL... UM  
KARKAT: HOLD ON  
KARKAT: LET ME THINK  
DAVE: no need dude its 365 days  
DAVE: i counted  
KARKAT: YOU INCLUDED THE WHOLE GAME TIME AND EVERYTHING?  
DAVE: yeah of course i did i didnt half ass this  
KARKAT: WOW  
KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: BUT  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: WHY 365?  
KARKAT: THAT’S SUCH A RANDOM FUCKING NUMBER.  
DAVE: what thats not a random number thats how many days are in a year  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE COUNTING IN YEARS?  
DAVE: yeah but come on a sweep is just two years everybody knows that  
DAVE: so when you started the game you were 6 and a half sweeps aka 13 years  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: no?  
KARKAT: I STARTED THE GAME WHEN I WAS *EXACTLY* SIX SWEEPS OLD.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: OR 13 “YEARS.”  
DAVE: the  
DAVE: fuck  
KARKAT: YEAH, A SWEEP ISN’T *EXACTLY* TWO HUMAN YEARS.  
KARKAT: WHAT WOULD BE THE FUCKING ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING?  
DAVE: dude i donno if we should be talkin about likelihoods and odds here were literally some of the last surviving members of our species its like we won the lottery a billion times in a row ok all odds are out the fuckin window  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: FINE  
KARKAT: MAYBE  
DAVE: definitely  
KARKAT: BUT THE FACT REMAINS  
KARKAT: HALF AN ALTERNIAN SWEEP SURE AS *SHIT* ISN’T THREE HUNDRED AND WHATEVER THE FUCK DAYS YOU SAID.  
DAVE: 365  
KARKAT: YEAH  
KARKAT: THAT.  
KARKAT: IT’S MORE LIKE...  
KARKAT: WELL OK A SWEEP IS 790 DAYS.  
KARKAT: SO THAT MEANS HALF A SWEEP IS  
KARKAT: UHHHH  
KARKAT: 395.  
DAVE: what the fuck hows that any less random than 365  
KARKAT: SHRUG  
KARKAT: NONE OF THIS REALLY MATTERS ANYWAY, SINCE THERE’S NO FUCKING REASON FOR US TO COUNT “HALF SWEEPS.”  
KARKAT: THOSE AREN’T A THING.  
KARKAT: PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY REASON I’D EVER SAY “HALF A SWEEP” IS TO TALK ABOUT THIS DUMB TRIP, AND TO COMPARE IT TO HUMAN TERMS YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.  
KARKAT: GOD, MY OVERALL USAGE OF HALF SWEEPS HAS JUST FUCKING SKYROCKETED IN THE PAST YEAR.  
KARKAT: OH  
KARKAT: HEY  
KARKAT: THERE WE GO.  
KARKAT: APPARENTLY I’VE JUST STARTED USING THE WORD “YEAR” INSTEAD, BECAUSE IT OH SO CONVENIENTLY FITS THAT AMOUNT OF TIME.  
KARKAT: WHO KNEW??  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: SO YEAH. THE POINT IS, EVEN IF HUMAN YEARS AND HALF SWEEPS  
KARKAT: (AGAIN, NOT A REAL MEASUREMENT OF TIME)  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY LINED UP, AND TODAY ACTUALLY *WAS* MY “HALF WRIGGLING DAY” OR WHATEVER, THERE’D *STILL* BE NO REASON TO CELEBRATE.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE HALF WRIGGLING DAYS AREN’T A THING.  
KARKAT: I LITERALLY JUST MADE THEM UP FOR THIS AMAZING THOUGHT EXERCISE WE’RE DOING!  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: well ok then  
DAVE: so what the fuck when are we supposed to do your birthday  
DAVE: i guess 13 months from now  
KARKAT: I MEAN, IF YOU WANT.  
KARKAT: TROLLS DON’T REALLY DO ANYTHING FOR OUR WRIGGLING DAYS.  
KARKAT: WE PRETTY MUCH THINK THEY’RE STUPID.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: haha well ok then thats a relief i got some time sensitive stuff here i dont really think its gonna last another year and one twelfth or anything youre actually hella lucky karkat you dodged a real bullet here man  
KARKAT: WAIT  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: YOU HAD STUFF PLANNED!  
DAVE: no it wasnt really anything its fine it was stupid anyway  
KARKAT: HOLY *FUCK*  
KARKAT: YOU DID!  
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT STARTED THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION!  
KARKAT: YOUR WHOLE RUBE GRUBBERG DEAL!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I’M SO FUCKING SORRY!  
DAVE: its cool  
KARKAT: NO IT’S NOT!  
KARKAT: SWEET FUCK, I’M SUCH AN ASSHOLE!  
KARKAT: I JUST SAW A LITTLE DIP IN THE GROUND, AND I ZEROED IN ON DIGGING IT INTO A HOLE AND FLINGING MY STUPID ROTTING CARCASS INTO IT!  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUCK  
DAVE: dude its fine  
KARKAT: NO I’M SERIOUS!  
KARKAT: YOU WORKED SO HARD TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME, AND I JUST FUCKING UP AND WORD JIZZED ALL OVER IT!  
DAVE: pffff  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUCK!!  
DAVE: hey seriously calm down  
DAVE: its cool  
DAVE: i dont mind the word jizz  
KARKAT: UUUGHHH  
DAVE: its not a big deal we dont have to do anything today  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
KARKAT: OF COURSE WE DO!  
KARKAT: WE’RE GODDAMN DOING THIS, DAVE!  
DAVE: we are?  
KARKAT: YOU BET YOUR ASS WE ARE!  
KARKAT: YOU ARE GONNA SHOW ME THE BEST GODDAMN WRIGGLING DAY ANYBODY’S EVER SEEN!  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: AT LEAST  
KARKAT: UH  
KARKAT: I ASSUME  
KARKAT: SHIT  
KARKAT: I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE PLANNED.  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T LIKE  
KARKAT: A LOT OF PRESSURE ALL OF A SUDDEN IS IT?  
KARKAT: OH FUUUUUUUUUUCK!  
DAVE: ahaha no its cool i pulled out all the stops i got you  
KARKAT: OH  
KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: GOOD  
DAVE: yeah first off were headin to the meal block i got rose and kanaya makin you a sweet cake  
KARKAT: HAHAHA YOU DO?  
DAVE: hell yeah youre gonna love it its an exact inverse of all the human and troll shit you put in my cake  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
DAVE: yeah remember that when you royally fucked up my birthday and it was still the best thing ever thats what todays gonna be like karkat dont even worry  
KARKAT: UGGGH  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: SO YOU JUST GOT ROSE AND KANAYA TO DO THIS FOR YOU?  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONNA PRETEND YOU HELPED?  
DAVE: yeah of course they know what theyre doin way better than i do im outsourcing thats how you get a not fucked up wiggling day thats the secret  
DAVE: also they really wanted to do it they love you  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: KANAYA SHOULD KNOW *DAMN* WELL THAT TODAY ISN’T MY WRIGGLING DAY.  
DAVE: oh  
KARKAT: SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU?  
DAVE: oh no  
DAVE: god dammit  
KARKAT: HAHAHA  
DAVE: she went right the fuck along with it she said it would be “a lovely heartfelt gesture” which now im sayin it out loud is definitely code for “endearing alien bullshit effort”  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHA!  
DAVE: son of a bitch  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY, DAVE.  
DAVE: ok welp whatever lets go were for sure not gonna not eat that cake  
DAVE: even tho this time im pretty sure its actually gonna be like 95 percent bugs  
DAVE: im gonna be brave and eat it just for you  
KARKAT: THANK YOU, DAVE.  
DAVE: youre welcome man  
DAVE: happy fake wriggling day  
KARKAT: <3  
DAVE: <3  



End file.
